What a marvelous mess!

My Mood

2010-09-22T14:57:00.001+08:00

Vexed. Regrets. Unveiled sadness. Burnt. Hurt. Bad Mood.

Hello to myself!

2010-09-17T11:16:00.002+08:00

Hi hi, i am coming back to blog here again. I don't know why after a year, i finally feel that i should start to type something again.

Firstly, i can improve my typing skills.
Secondly, i can improve my english.
Thirdly, i can vent my emotion inside.

Well, this blog hasn't been visited for very long period. It feels so dusty to me. hahah..
And it will be a secret place where i will bury my own feeling, where no one knows :)

My secrets will reveal.....

Beautiful Mistake

2009-08-24T00:00:00.003+08:00

It's now the time... to end this romance.

.... said:

I am glad that I have talked over about my r/s issue with Dear. It started with tears after making love. But then we solved the problem which had been lying for 2 months of quarreling and fighting and yelling. It's over now. How relieved I am =)

Though it's sad that it's over now.

Thought it's sad that there's no longer honey moon period to look forward.

Though what's beautiful were now just a memory.

Though today was the last chance to make love to you.

Our moment last for about 2 years. Thank you. And I love you.

.... Chapter closed.

This is, What a beautiful mistake is...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday went to watch G.I.Joe and it is not my type. Hmm..... Good nite everyone.

Mad

2009-08-18T19:55:00.002+08:00

i have been feeling mad these few days.

1. No where to turn to when i am feeling down.

2. Can't blog cause my laptop is going to die anytime.

3. I wrote my feeling on a piece of paper and i don't know what to do about it. Should i fold into a plane paper and fly it from 29th floor?

4. Depressed with my own mind. No one understand.

5. I am losing weight.

6. I am going home and don't know when yet because of work.

7. At this moment, i just can't wait to leave this country. Runaway coward!

8. I am poor.

9. I am single and available.

10. This time really break up.

11. Don't know what to say anymore.

Goals

2009-08-10T22:50:00.003+08:00

We need goals in our life. What is yours? Because if you don't have one, you will live this life sadly wondering the purposes of yourself standing here.

I used to have a goal, a very big dream, big hopes, big future. To be honest, they all had dashed since I came to Singapore. I am not sure what i want now or to pursue what i loved to do. No, i am still searching. Perhaps till i die, not sure again. You see.. this is the thing that makes people not moving at all. Waiting for miracles to come and procrastinating, this is what i do. You are doing it too, i believe.

It's almost 2 years I am in this relationship which no one knows. I am sorry to my love, that i have to erase some parts of the good memories ~ our pictures. I am listening to mad world. I guess it's not a mad world we are living in. It's the people that creating all these madness.

Back Again

2009-08-09T00:47:00.002+08:00

I went to watch UP today, it was a good cartoon movie. It made me shed a tear for a while watching how the old man tried to fulfill his wife's dream, but sadly she passed away and leaving him lonely. It was an adventurous movie which is emotional but funny- you can see 2 old men fighting with the "bone cracking sound". It is a meaningful and nice movie afterall.

I drank a glass of vodka which tasted awful. It is "Absolute Pear". I regret to have bought it on the duty-free shop last April. I mixed it with cranberry fruit juice, but still it sucks. I still have more than half a bottle and have no idea how am i gonna finish it. I prefer beer and wine now.

Talking about drinking, i have no idea too when was the first time i started to go onto it. Now it's like a soft drink to me, which I don't mind to sip like every weekend. There were some periods where i used it as a way to make myself drunk so that i won't think so much. So many things have happen in my life. Though, it seems so real i am not moving on at all. But i won't think so much about it now.

Well, i am thinking if i can apply for leave another 2 weeks time. My mother wants me to go home. I am not sure if I should leave this town and go back for good. It's been more than 5 years. How the time flies so fast. I was 18 when I first reached Singapore.

It's been so long i have not blogged like i used to like in studying time. My english is getting from bad to worse, maybe i should start writing again.

Good nite everyone!

Dreaming

2009-03-29T02:23:00.003+08:00

Drunk again, but that's alright...

I drink almost everyday to sleep. But today, i just wanna tell you this;

It's not easy to be me,
It's not easy to be you,
We both don't know how it's like to be in others shoe
To be with you is wonderful,
To be in love can be hurtful,
It's been more than i thought my love could last,
I am talking rubbish as my mind is twirling
I keep drinking,
I wanna lose myself in this love story
Insanity as part of the memory
I sacrifice my friend
I sacrifice my parents' wish
I sacrifice almost everything that you can't see
I sacrifice myself to be in this state now
No one can see what's happening
No one will believe what has been going on
It's been a secret for more than a year
And now i am drunk to keep myself forgetting who I am
Love can be so boring
And I always speak to your misunderstanding
Do you understand this heart-breaking story?
I have been getting this nightmare and so,
Don't get yourself into trouble by getting into my world
I can't even walk straight now,
Wondering how long I have been leaving new songs coming?
What happen to old cancerz who has a goal and dream?
Gone, with love
or,
Gone, because of love.

(Dream)

2009-02-28T01:40:00.002+08:00

- I went for a part-time job last sunday, 22th feb 2009, as a part time event helper @ Jurong Birdpark and it was very tiring.
- Uncle(landlord) and auntie quarreled for one whole day.
- Those who hasn't yet got a job feel troubled, and those who got a job also troubled.
- And I want the loved one not to be too rely on me.
- Surprisingly that I now have nothing about dream I was once wanted to be.
- I had diarrhea and fall sick easily now.
- See, things change gradually and whether it's for the better or worse, Well... keep on moving.

2009-02-07T01:36:00.003+08:00

I am vexed.
I still don't get used to the feeling of unemployed.
It will never go like what it has been planned.
Feeling so dry, don't have the right thing to describe the word.

2008-12-25T00:11:00.002+08:00

Everything seems to have come to an end. When you listen to a song, when you read a story-book, when you watch a movie, when it has come to an end, would you wish it could have another round of new chapter, or could it be best to end just that way? Life is short like you said, why bother so much of unimportant stuffs? It's not easy to be the one, it's not easy to hide, it's not easy to let go, it's not easy to runaway too. None would understand this, if I never try to explain in every bits.

I have been hiding this feeling, but you read the troubles on my face.
I feel so faraway though I have everyone next to me.
I try to hide the tears when he walks and smiles at me.
I can't own someone and it aches to have things changed, not the usual one i am familiar with.
Who would still remember the times me and my friends cried together over a sad song.
Ridiculous but lovely, crazy but cute, unreasonable but dearing,
That was me, acting was part of the game of life. You just need to know how to rule it.
I was afraid of nothing. Life is just a game session that one day the one that plays it will hit the words 'Game Over'.
It has been almost 5 years and I lose more and more...
The memories flash back and I could only remorse on the things I chose to let go.
Let it rain, let it go, let it drown, let it expired, let it die, now I am dying.
The guitar strings have broken and gone rusty.
The piano becomes a lonely dusty tuts.
The fingers becomes stiffs and wrinkled.
The mind becomes messy.
The clothes always new and clean.
The heart becomes beatless and there's no more love.
Where has all the strength gone to?
I remember last christmas, last gifts I got, I am sorry for everything.
I remember i buy your love with my trust, and i dump it when i think i got enough.
I remember i cause the teary eyes for the pride i should just forget once.
I don't remember i was yours and we were great to be as one.
I don't remember i needed you and you need not me that strong.
I don't remember you were my promise i should have kept to be with forever.
You are my secret.
You are my lover.
You are part of me.
But i am broken.
And you're not the pieces.
I know you don't get it.
I don't want you to know it either.
I don't want to create a puzzle, but i couldn't talk it out.
Of how i feel.
I have been stranded over these years by my own act.
I have been losing and sacrificing so much over nothing.
I have been tied up but i do not like freedom at all.
When i say i don't need a thing, you are the most i wanted to be with over here.
I don't want you to feel like this.
I don't want to hurt you.
So i keep it all to myself until i get
hurt.

2008-11-23T23:20:00.002+08:00

Last Thursday, I made my ladyboss vomitted out her drinks because of me. She was disgusting LOL. I could see the water came out from her mouth and she coughed till her face red.
And yesterday in East Coast, I almost passed out, thank you for taking care of me and saving my life. I wouldn't know what would happen to me if I was alone.

2008-11-18T23:28:00.002+08:00

Hiya, I am leaving to home this 4th December for my bro's wedding. I have to get prepared too for what I am going to wear. Bro's house is ready soon and it's up to me where I want to stay. Mum would want me to get a job in Medan. She wants me to perform a song too on bro's wedding, Whatever she wants, though I do not know whether I like it, I will abide. Because I Love her. Sometimes I would think that the time pass too fast, I spent only few hours and days in a year with people whom I grew up with, how I wish... and it teared me to sleep.

I lack of almost everything you have.
And You lack almost nothing I have?

2008-11-09T01:38:00.002+08:00

So long I have not yet blogged, I was so tied up with work and... I am so gonna quit, I really wish I can quit. I went home at 6am in the morning for twice in one week, what a record! I have lousy boss with lousy attitude, can't stand them.
I was about to leave to UK this period on last year. I really miss it now. I wish I had played more over there. I miss the cold weather.

2008-10-05T01:26:00.002+08:00

I am still stuck without PR yet. It has been holding me for more than 3 months and i am almost sick of it. Some got it real fast, 2 months and lesser. I shall just leave and get my social visit back before end of November. I can't leave Singapore without any pass and I just have to leave. Even extending my temporary working pass had almost got me become an illegal immigrant. That could be thrilling-exciting-moment in my life. I could imagine myself imprisoned with other offenders and I could make friend with them. Lol I didn't see the vacancy as a Prisoner-Officer anymore. Too bad.

I miss DPE. Don't know why, though we only met once, I am so glad I skipped the lesson to decide to meet you on my last day. Couldn't had been better. Nice moment. Hope he's doing fine always.

29th Sept 2008

2008-09-29T23:21:00.002+08:00

How long does it take to cure a broken-heart?? Finally it starts to fade away.

What do you think of one who wears mask? Is she being fake to others? Or herself instead?

If loving someone is hurtful, why do you still wanna try to fall in the game called 'love'?

The most blessing time?
- when you enjoy exotic and luxurious food?
- or when you finally can satisfied your longing for Big shopping?
- or when you spend your 24/7 with your loved one?
- or when you kiss your dear secretly in a panicking moment?
- or when you can taste the sinful chocolate inside your mouth?
- or when you have a family dinner?
- or perhaps you have missed them all?
You don't know what means to you until you lose them all?

I am going to sleep now.

2008-09-14T12:40:00.003+08:00

Do i break your heart?

or you actually break mine?

Nothing feels much better than to listen to my fav song.

2008-09-05T00:07:00.002+08:00

Who would like a dumb and pessimistic girl? Unless she has a great and big heart. There should be something that outshines the flaws and imperfection. That's how I am loved.

It's hurtful to let go of things but it could lead to somewhere we could have never been before. Do you wanna fly there? It could be a dream, a neverland, a heaven, a hell or perhaps nothing at all.

I got a job, i save a little, i think a lot, overwork underpaid, complain a lot, forget my goals, wanted to quit, wanted to search, losing it all, where should i begin now?

2008-07-27T14:49:00.001+08:00

................

Perhaps...

2008-07-08T22:13:00.006+08:00

Today I felt that my life is running short. I wish it hit and knocked me out. I am sorry. It did not look real. I thought I couldn't go on like this, and perhaps I will plan to go back forever. Close to my family where I should be. I read my friend's blog, she lost her dad and I cried reading that. I will be back home.

I was thinking,
When I have done my best, I will commit suicide.
That is how it should end.
A great thing to last.
My happy ending.

I miss myold-self. I have changed alot. I have let you down.
I am a MISERABLE MESS.

Cloudy days.

Welcome to my Paradise

2008-06-30T00:09:00.015+08:00

living room

toilet

our master bedroom =) miss it.

1st time candle-light dinner

and do you remember the song "welcome to my paradise?"

I will sing it for you one day.

and beside the romantic-pool

KFC + A&W

all the expenses =(

if you wanna see my new hairdo

stock for de-"stresss"???!!!

Back from MOON

2008-06-22T22:46:00.002+08:00

What Moon you like? Which Moon are you?
I like sailormoon and just back from honeymoon.

Alot to update but I am too tired for everything. Tomorrow is my 1st day of applying PR and work. I am cheating the Immigration people though because of a reason. Just hope that I don't get caught.

Mr.Smiley, take care yah! One day you should come and visit me! DEAL haha.. Though i wish to go there actually, but it's way too ex :(

2008-06-16T23:08:00.003+08:00

I just wanna say here that

I MISS DEREK!!!

How I wish I could go to look for him again.

I would love to get there once again.

Mr. Smiley, employ me!!!

I can clean, make simple breakfast, be your accompanion for a drink

LOL

2008-06-16T02:49:00.003+08:00

How did I cry last Saturday?
My eyes turned red. It was shaded in teary eyes.
I could not tell anyone of this. A secret of mine I long to keep forever.
I could not tell you for I was not willing to it.
A child is me. Who cries innocently with every reasons and means.
A child is not me. When I do not speak and keep the uncertainties.
So I wish to leave, asked to be killed. I thought the only way to be free.
Do grown-ups cry?
Why don't he? and Why do I?
I love the accent of every words spoken by people from the Kingdom.
I wish I were still there missing every breathe when you called my name.
We were strong, is that right?
How could I speak my mind,
Oh well I wish my tears could tell you what I have been keeping.
I wanted to keep you with me.
But I do not have the power to stay like this.
It seems unreal.
My love isn't real, is it?
It is magical.
It is hurtful.
It is bittersweet.
It is my life.
It is my harmony.
It is my symphony.
It is my every word of these.
It is this melody.
It is my beating.
It is not ending.
But it is hurting me.
I hate what is next.
It gets me so scared.
And I am not myself.
So
I would love to sip a little sorrow with drinks.
Help me to forget what is real.
I do always ask myself again.
If I could go back to the times you were not mine.
Would you still choose to be mine?
I would love to bring you heaven.
I would love to keep you forever.
I would love to choose you are mine.
You are so kind.
But
The more I would love to get us closer,
My heart torn apart.
There is a barrier no one can see.
There is only a place we would love to be.
Be at the Neverland.

2008-06-15T23:23:00.004+08:00

I drink, so that I won't think, of anything, not even to remember my name. I don't like to be like this, and I don't like me.

Blood Donation

2008-06-12T00:11:00.004+08:00

Something I wanna added:
- I am a runaway candidate: I ran away from an interview yesterday, because the environment scared me off.

==================================================

Thanks to the comments,

A blog is my stress-relief spot where I can pour my feelings out.
You may hardly see something nice to read then. It's my unhappiness spot.

==================================================

Well, today will be the last day I went for donation. I would stop donating my blood.
I cried after I donated it. My hand now is swollen and hurt.
What HAPPEN?

The girl who attended to me didn't know how to inject the needle properly into my skin. By right, she should just inject slightly abit to the skin then the blood would run and flow slowly.
BUT
she injected it too high and too deep inside that I could see more than half size of that BIG needle was poking through my skin and the blood didn't flow smoothly. If she tried to pull down the needle down, I could see the blood running out from the side of the needle. I felt so weak, Really weak that she said really sorry to me and ended up I have to stay there for an hour because she put ices to prevent the bruise. She said tomorrow my hand would be blue-black and swollen. I may need to come down again to look for their doctor if it is hurtful. I felt so weak that I cried. It hurts too and swollen as if underneath it there is a hidden pigeon's egg. LOL. I can't take it anymore. And it will be the last time I go to donate my blood to Singaporean.

End of Searching 10th June '08

2008-06-11T00:55:00.004+08:00

- Been going for interviews, walking under the hot sun, spend bucks everyday on cabs.
- I am still a fresh grad anyway and they only willing to pay me like what they pay for diploma holders.
- BA cert for a graphic designer is useless and meaningless. I am glad to all of you who did not pursue BA straightaway, work first!! It is a RIGHT choice to go work first and come back to school when you have enough of working and wanna take a break. You will cherish it more. I am happy for all of you. My path is a BIG NO NO. I can't even expect for $1.8K, believe me.
- Weeks for searching and whimming.
- Been wanting to give up and go back to my home sweet home where I am gonna eat my mom's cooking every weekend.
- Been wanting to stop all the job search and QUIT.
- Even feel more stressful than doing my BA. Finding job ain't easy at all.
- Feeling lousy lately and unwanted.
- To hell with a Degree.
- I never cut out to be a designer.
- Thanks to all friends who has been encouraging and supporting me.

2008-06-09T01:17:00.001+08:00

GOOD FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-09T01:16:00.001+08:00

I feel so lousy. Almost like a Loser!

2008-06-08T03:14:00.002+08:00

BLeh I dislike xiaxue!
I watched Sex And The City too, alot people watched that and they liked it. I have never watched any episodes of it and I liked the movie. It was funny and sexy. Why is she fucking pissed off of everything? It's just a movie anyway. Stoopid!

My gums is bleeding everyday. It bled and flowed like a water, am i going to die?

I am depressed about finding a job!

No cigarette no relieve

2008-06-05T00:53:00.001+08:00

It's been some time i didn't smoke.
The last two sticks was used up to do up the project and that's it.
I want it now but do not have the money.
I am so poor.
:(

2008-06-02T02:46:00.003+08:00

LoST!

after everything is over now, i feel lost.
everyday i wake up, i do not know what to do next.
i got a month to look for a job, if i get none at all, i will be back home.
i want to sell nasi lemak in medan lol.
i don't wanna touch design at the moment.
sianz.
one more thing, i don't like my hair, it's too short. And i don't have the guts to meet my parents like this. I don't like the back part. It's the last time to get spikey hair!

Bye Bye Degree...

2008-05-29T01:06:00.018+08:00

There is one draft that i have never been able to make myself to post it. It was nothing good to show to all of you.

Updates...

1. It's been so long I have not been blogging

2. Been way too busy with degree

3. Miracles happen

4. I am free as a bird now YAY!

5. so much more.. wahahahahha

I was crazy to keep changing my final project(FP). We have only a month to complete our FP, it was so different from diploma year whereby we spent one semester to work on it. This BA course has made me lose so many kg. Even Rusell Lee said that I slimmed down alot.

Degree Programme = Slimming Programme. Anyone may try it! It works for me though!!!! Some people are partying right now i believe!

Miracle happened! It was amazing that I could complete 4 books in a week and manage to get my FP done in less than 2 weeks.

I suck! Look back on the day where I ran out of time, yet i was crying inside a bus and public. Wasting my time for hours in front of the sea, hoping to drown myself inside and nobody could rescue me. I was tired and really really tired. Yet none of the lecturers were giving me the guidance. I couldn't move on my own, my big flaws. I need a helping hand, whack me so I will move on. That's me, a cow. MOOO~

Things that make me excited::

- no longer seeing Ms.Tan. wahahahahhaa.!!!

- i can't even be bothered, if i miss out the last dinner last supper or whatever.

- so glad that i graduate this year, for next year batch... good luck with your new head!

- i owe it alot to my classmates who has been there to encourage me to hang on, esp Do Nguyep Lap Xuan. Lol.. thanks for the time you spared for me, thanks for the thought you helped me, thanks for sewing my tee shirt!

- i am gonna miss you all, the ladies... mamasan group.

Briefing of what i had done in a month, for my FP (multiple personality disorders)

*1st week (journal):

*2nd week (third party point of view):

Yap, this is how my small room looks like for those two weeks.

They were all in vain, nothing worked, nothing was fine. Till here, i tried to be insane, tried to create more than me, blue, pink, black, yellow and white.

*The last week(story book):

Hoping myself to change colour, bad to good to bad, adult to child, trying to divide myself to many. Sounds crazy. The one really works is the black book and white.

I drew like a child

slashing like a retard. Well, there has many more..

One last thing..., I am not really happy and satisfied with my work, at first I felt so ashamed. Too ashamed that me and few mates decided not send any invitation to our friends. Don't come. It would be better that way. I don't wish anyone to come. SO don't feel offended if you miss the grad show.

2008-05-09T00:31:00.002+08:00

Mom,
how i wish i can tell you i hate you.
i don't know who to blame, i 'm in this state now.
crying while doing my work.
i don't wish to hurt you.
but something is hurting me so much.
i don't wish to be here.
but you force me to.
Mom,
how i wish you know and feel it.
i wanna drown myself today.
i don't wish to hurt your feelings.
but it hurts me to keep it all alone.
i wanna raise a white flag.
i hate for being stoopid.

4th May 2008

2008-05-05T01:44:00.004+08:00

I took this photo only after i was eating it half way. Though i was so full, i couldn't bear to put the food just beside me. It wouldn't look nice to you, but i love it because it was made with 'rushing-love'. I love the chef. =)

halfway eating it...

after few minutes...

Back to work!

gonna be crazy soon, i wont' be sleeping, MUST NOT!!!! enough of doing NOTHING at all!

6th Monthsary

2008-05-03T16:13:00.002+08:00

Today is the 3rd
Today is the day
Today is our moment
Today is our love
Today is ours.

Don't stress don't stress
Go to the left to the left~~

I will keep trying as much as i falling.

2008-04-29T15:28:00.003+08:00

I am not in love anymore and don't wanna feel it at this moment of time. Love song is merely a nice tune. I don't groove with the rhythm. A lot of shortage, and i don't know how to cover it. I wish to go home, i wish to go out of here, let me consider again. I will keep all the opportunities open.

Heart**

1. Lying here for 12 hours with my mind couldn't switch off away a single picture of what you said.

2. I have never felt happy either when you are not.

3. It's my crucial time on my last chapter of study and you haunt me with the damn freaking ugly movement.

4. IF a relationship is like this, i would rather to be on my own.

5. Enough with the bad saying.

Study**

-lousy and dying slowly.

Others*

-Loving the tattoo.

2008-04-22T01:13:00.002+08:00

Peranakan Exhibition is open until 26th April @ NAFA gallery 1 & 2. You can see my work & my classmates, Mr.Sim, and also from other departments on Peranakan Culture.

Now it's only left not more than one month to my Grad, and i have yet nothing to produce, even my art direction. I am lost! I feel stupid. And really not ready for degree. I feel small and have no confidence. But i will hold on.

Today Ms.Tan said that she saw me online @omy.sg and voted for my song. Woohh LOL, so nice of her. Iam going to break free soon, kinda scared and nervous. It feels like i am going to give birth soon.

Love you.

Ugly friday night

2008-04-19T01:46:00.003+08:00

Friday night, it is my cloudy night though the moon shines brightly upon me.
Beautiful circular moon, it should be a nice dedicated night instead.

(Feeling high is a numb session people looking for.
Get dizziness is a sensation that you think is cool.
Losing control means a way to let out your emotions.
But once you throw up, you are disgusted. _)

I puked all my dinner out. I am not looking for anything. It could be too much greasy food or no?

2008-04-11T02:19:00.002+08:00

I smile because i don't want to cry.
I angry because i don't want to be quiet.
I shout because i want to be heard.
I run because i can't face the truth.
I shut up because i don't want to ruin this.
I am tired because i am on my own.
I lie because i don't want things change.
I bruise because i don't want you hurt.
I talk because i don't want you to get me wrong.
I think everything i have done yield to bad ending.
What is right?

.
I miss Mr.Smiley. Wonder how is he doing now?

2008-04-09T23:15:00.002+08:00

I miss home.
I wanna go home. badly.

Dear you,
I don't know why i always find fault in you. I know they are always small matters but i show you they pissed me alot. I don't know. Complicated.

I HATE it!

2008-04-08T00:01:00.003+08:00

I dislike you...

for being not sensitive towards me.
for taking me for granted.
for thinking that i know everything and your needs. (i ain't no Goddess nor angel)
for displaying your black face.
for asking too much than what you give to me.
for expecting me to always give in.
for making me indirectly a fool.
for losing my dignity.
for believing that everything is my responsibilities.

!$@!$^$#&^$*&*#%*^*@^&@$^%@^@

Today

2008-04-04T23:40:00.002+08:00

I am trying hard to focus on my study. I get 2.2 (second lower class) for my grade. I know i deserve that. I not proud at all.

Yes, and i am trying hard to plan and have a dream. I wanna chase it as it will be the purpose of part of my life. I wanna try.

2008-04-01T21:42:00.001+08:00

I asked myself today...

if I could forsake everything for the sake of chasing my dream.

Could I?

2008-03-31T00:12:00.001+08:00

I will not eat "meat" today.
Only you know why, I love God.
=)

Listen...

2008-03-26T01:14:00.006+08:00

Drawing out the moon
Has it shine on you?
Healing on the bruise
Had i come too soon, but too late for excuse
Oh let it shared on me

Your sorrows and pain
Inflicted on me
I can hear your scream
The wind blows hard on me, sending your message
It's too late to take a step back

Had i come too soon
Nothing would cause your tears falling down
Had i come close to you
You won't have to carry out what you've said

Covering your blues
You trying hard to lose
It haunts you at your door
Could it be my fault thinking you are strong?
Neglecting on your flaws

Had i come too soon
Nothing would cause your tears falling down
Had i come close to you
You won't have to carry out what you've said

==================================================

LATEST NEWS::

I am the Featured Artiste for just 2 weeks Lol. It's funny to see my own face in a webbie.

Here's the link http://www.omy.sg/showbiz/index.html

Yay 2 weeks only. Cool~

why?

2008-03-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

* Behaving in (-)Negative attitude.
* Thursday is assessment.
* Killer lecturer in good mood today. Has no comment on my work. Saved for today, Die after today.
* PMS is really no kidding. Scary! Some women can bark.
* A friend doesn't believe what he heard from me. Ya, i have changed.
* I am still stuck like always. Never improve on anything yet.
==================================================

God.... why?

The world ain't crazy, the people ain't ridiculuous. They just can't accept the truth and for who they are. It's a sad thing to see. God, Why?

sick?

2008-03-25T01:06:00.002+08:00

Diagnosis— Following are the common symptoms which emit danger signal that indicates the presence of the disease.
1. Change in behavior—someone becomes rude, adamant and irritating nature.
2. Sometimes the person cannot tolerate noise or laughter.
3. Reduction of sleep.
4. A Sociable man slowly being converted to unusually silent.
5. Avoid company or entertainment, prefers to stay alone.
6. Diminishing desire for sex .
7. Thinks himself hopeless and helpless.
8. Raises questions about necessity of living.

Remedy—An affected person should be attended with utmost compassion, all effort should be initiated to understand the reason behind such depression. Children should never be scolded; instead, their problem should be fixed first. A sympathetic attitude with proper intervention for eradication of the responsible factor works miracle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to experience No.4, 5, 7, and 8.
Less often No.1 and 2.
I am almost sick.

2008-03-24T23:53:00.002+08:00

Had i not left any footprints in your heart,
Had i not come to here,
Had i not known your name,
Had i not be the one,
Had i not tried to salvage,
Had i just die,

maybe you'll be happier.

Fact or Fiction?

2008-03-19T12:45:00.004+08:00

Initially, I thought everything can be under control. The words of splitting and personality disturbance would just be a case of studies. Not until last night, when my mind was in blackout, the tears flown down without any feeling of pain or sadness, but the shakiness occured with a question mark. Suddenly I could feel the part of my brain repressed me from all memories. I almost couldn't remember anything except my name and my room. Staring blankly and aimlessly. Nothing else I knew that was happening. Numb. Half my brain doesn't allow me to recall, if I tried to trigger some of the names and familiar faces, again, I lost my control.
Then I ask myself, 'What is Wrong with Me?'

I diagnosis myself suffering from Bipolar Disorder.

I feel lucky that it isn't Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am still me, I don't split. I must be too tired of everything.

Secret

2008-03-17T11:57:00.006+08:00

I have one secret they don't know.
I have one person who meets my soul.
I have one reason not to be in control.
I have one moment I don't wanna let go.

Whenever the music starts, my heart beats hard.
Still the pain inflicts like the flame has never ceased from burning.
I keep it as it is gonna be mine always, never share.

~~

My day and night, have they could be the last today, nobody will have their say marking on my move is wrong. I wish it lasts. One dear who touches my heart, the angel who tries so hard to stay by my side. I love you.

2008-02-29T22:06:00.001+08:00

I start to think about the Goals in my life

and I...

I feel emptiness inside.

See what they DO to me?

2008-02-26T22:54:00.002+08:00

I have my lovely girls in class which I hate and love most. I love them because they are adorable and I hate them because I love them. Look what you've done to me! You know who you are!

p.s: I received this just in my facebook. And why did you choose the most unique young lady to be me? THANKS~

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat

2008-02-25T13:31:00.002+08:00

Pain

2008-02-25T12:10:00.002+08:00

It's like one of the worst day in my life. It has been like a month that my aircon doesn't work properly, I thought it needs to be serviced. I volunteered to pay the whole amount of the service charge because The Landlord didn't intend to do it for me. He blames it on me because of my bad luck. That's how I interprete this. My bad luck or the worst ever since I stay in Lavender. Today the Mitsubishi people came down to check on the aircon, guess.. It's almost a total damage, not to aircon but my bank account.

When I woke up this morning, I withdrew money thinking that the charge wouldn't exceed $200 or $300. To my dismay, Mitsubishi people said that they need to do whole alot of things in and out, also change and replace with new stuffs which cost a LOT.

Quotation:
- Heat Exchanger: $156 + Labour: $50
- 1 Lev Value: $55 x 4 Value: $220
- Outdoor Repair Labour: $300
- Transport: $15
- TOTAL: $741

p.s: Mitsubishi people said it was real expensive and i could only pay the quotation first for today, and they would give me a week to consider whether or not I want them to work on it.

I have a bad day. I don't like it here. Why am I acting like a loser? Why am i Fucking ugly stupid? I feel bad, even towards my family who will foot this charge. I have to lie to them. And fork out some money I had been keeping for 4 years $71(from my first Landlord + Ah ma's money). Still it is Not enough. I hate myself.

Hate myself for acting cool. - should have just act dumb
Hate myself for being arrogant - should have known i look more stupid
Hate myself for being nonchalant - should have just died long ago

P.S: I DON'T LOVE HERE

2008-02-22T00:56:00.003+08:00

I know i am not born to be a designer. Sometimes when you judge a person by the appearance, you may tell that he or she is a designer because of the clothes that she wears. I can't be bothered about what designers wear. But i would love to act crazy at times to look like this. Cool or Dumb? Abit stupid.

A blazer with funny shorts and slippers. Do I look like one designer?

========================================================

p.s: I don't like it here. I don't. Don't.

CNY-in MEDAN

2008-02-19T01:02:00.008+08:00

Here I am going to show you 'Open House' @ my house. My dad invited alot of guests to house at our audio-room on the 4th day of CNY. There were also alot of food that we ordered to serve the guests but too bad I didn't take photos of them. I am afraid that you will drool. Hahha.

Audio-room (That's my drum~)

There are seats for 50 people

Look! My dad deliberately installed those lantern for this time CNY

Do you wanna sing on that stage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now let me show you how my room looks like. It's in mess. Lols.

Not clear huh, hm.. it has nothing much

And this is my piano. I didn't touch it when i got back home =(

Updates

2008-02-17T01:46:00.001+08:00

- Too many things in my head that i do not know how to start this.
- Happy chinese New Year and happy Valentine day
- I miss my mom
- Projects now... =(

About You Now - Sugababes

2008-02-17T01:39:00.001+08:00

It was so easy that night
Should’ve been strong
Yeah I lied
Nobody gets me like you

Couldn't keep hold of you then
how could I know what you meant
there was nothing to compare too

I know everything changes
All the cities and faces
But I know how I feel
About you
Theres a mountain between us
But there's one thing i'm sure of
That I know how I feel
About you

Can we bring yesterday
Back around
Cause I know how I feel
About you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel
About you now

All that it takes
One more chance
Don't let our last kiss
Be our last
Give me tonight and I'll show you

I know everything changes
I don't care where it takes us
Cause I know how I feel
About you

Can we bring yesterday
Back around
Cause I know how I feel
About you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel
about you now

Not a day passed me by(x2)
When I don't think about you
And there's no moving on
Cause I know you're the one
And I can't be without you

How Sex Starts

2008-02-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

信息:

a smile leads to a laugh...
a laugh leads to a high 5...
a high 5 leads to a hug...
a hug leads to a kiss...
a kiss leads 2 a makeout...
makeout leads to a feel up...
a feel up leads 2 a finger...
a finger leads to a hand...
a hand leads to a lick...
a lick leads to a suck...
a suck leads 2 a f*ck.

2008-02-01T01:12:00.000+08:00

I feel stress
.
.
.
.

I don't know...

2008-01-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

What what what what what what what what!
What should i do? what m i going to do? what am i supposed to do?
EEEEr yurrrr.. arghk! I dont' like degree!

CNY 2008 coming

2008-01-28T14:57:00.000+08:00

1. What type of designer i am?
2. Final project = No idea.
3. I am going home soon, haven't seen Dad for so long, more than half a year.
4. CNY mood, bought bag, shorts, 2 blazers. SPENT MONEY, i am mad!
5. I wanna build up my confidence level. How?

Love and Hate

2008-01-21T01:40:00.000+08:00

I miss all the times that passed damn fast. The time when i stayed @Tampines without any entertainment at all, YOU would do just enough, YOU were just great, YOU were all that i need.
Walking, jogging, prawning, loving, hugging, eating, drinking, partying, and EVERYTHING.
East Coast, Tampines, New Year's Eve, Christmas' Eve, Suntec City and The Bridge.
How lovely it is just to feel the breeze. I feel at ease. I feel in peace.

The sweetest thing.

But now...

I get scared of The time. It passes too fast that i can't even see myself catch one breath. Am i moving or do I wish i am dead instead? I hate it to not to think of it. I hate it for wasting my time like this. I hate it feeling stuck with no rescue. Hate it!

Right or wrong, it's just a word that won't make a difference now that i have chosen to walk this road. I love and hate it at the same time. I love you and hate you. I love me and hate myself too for going more crazy. Save me? You can't.

LOST

Love, i keep bleeding love. Keep bleeding.

p.s: that's why i donated my blood today

Emo Again

2008-01-20T02:58:00.000+08:00

I am not doing anything again
Having back my insomnia
Haunted by my own imagination
Frighten myself with nonsensical illusion

I keep myself awake till dawn appears
Letting loose of myself to be someone else
My intended move to the next plan
It does not matter if you can't get me back
on the right track

Cannot get over the mistake i once made
Cannot fight the blossom of illusion that i created
Cannot lay my hopes for the unexpected
I do not know how to express it more with my words
I lost my words

Strayed

2008-01-18T02:57:00.000+08:00

My life::
Time passes too fast.
I do not even get to choose the path, do not even get to see the picture, do not even get to know the question, do not even get to know more. What's going on?

My love::
Love love love love, do i pick it up from the ground?
It's personal, untouchable undetectable but it's moving slow.
I am kicking and alive but i don't get that picture when i am alone.
Taking myself fly to the sky, high i can't deny but when the night comes, my nerves break down.

My study::
I am not here and i am not there.

My family::
Long time no see. Sometimes i forget to see what you have given me.
I get scared, can i be someone that i can't be?

My plans::
I am not telling you because i am not thinking.
Hunger of those who needs the answer. Do i mean what i say? Finally i think that,

i have changed.....

Performance @ Bethany Church

2008-01-18T01:12:00.000+08:00

This is my 2nd performance past few weeks @ church. I was asked to perform, it wasn't good like what i expected. Audiences were all noisy and i wouldn't be upset, cause i treated it as a charity show and to train my confidence. I am still nervous and have a stage-fright until today.

Everytime when i see people perform @ Singapore Art Cafe, i am motivated, i am inspired, i wanna be like them. I wanna do it but i am not good enough to stand and give it a try. Buddies said that i was too NOT confident about myself. They are right!

Short Apologize Video

2008-01-17T02:09:00.000+08:00

This video was made by a good friend, Derek. He took a very short video of me looking at the beautiful scenery @London. Derek, it was nice weather, remember?? For almost everyday it was raining like hell except my last day in UK! =)

Derek created a simple cover for my CD too! I wish we had a chance to have beer together again in cold weather in the future yeah~~!

Celine Dion - Taking Chances 2008

2008-01-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

Celine Dion is the Best~ to me she always is!

Heard almost all her covers from her new album and most i like is "Surprise Surprise"

I love her loads~

Am i a Designer?

2008-01-07T22:28:00.000+08:00

is this an ART?

*i can't bear to leave my shoes

Tampines for 6 days

2008-01-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

This is my bed

The living room

It's a small house occupied only by one lady. Clean, neat, nice decor are all i can say =)

The bad things are i didnt have TV and internet. SIANZ!!!!

But finally i return to my Lavender room YAY!

UK & Paris : 22Nov-18Dec

2007-12-23T22:14:00.000+08:00

LOUGHBOROUGH!!!

My hostel "De Monfort" Thumbs Up!

With some of the Classmates

I had this breakfast for 12 days consecutively. But i love it and MISS IT!

My Queen size bed for myself! I miss it TOO!

I was drunk when i piggy-back my buddy!

"Loughborough University" Top 6 in UK

My classroom with my babes!

NOW LONDON!!!

We went to museum and gallery almost everyday until the last day i skipped to meet my friend! YEAH! NO REGRETS!!!

British Museum

TATE GALLERY (LOVE THIS ONE!)

Tower Bridge from a distance

Tower Bridge (Close up)

V&A Museum (it's big and i saw the mirror which is eerie during the 1600 British period)

Buckingham Palace! Palace!

Harrods (Place selling expensive stuff and branded goods!) I didn't buy anything of course, INSTEAD me and Aidi stole something and be bad gurls!!!

My secondary schoolmate!!!! Silvia! And thanks her for spending her time to meet me and cook dinner for me. Finally got RICE, VEGE, and SOUP at UK! made me feel like @ home hahaha.

"Abbey St." The street that is famous because of the poster of The legend Beatles walking on that street.

And here the new legend!

From the front is Aidi, Liya, Me, and Jessie posing like The Beatles. LOL!

We can't stop laughing while posing and keep walking here and there on that street.

Me dancing with Beyonce~! @ Madamme Tussaud (The famous Wax place!)

By right, i was asked to act with Nicholas Cage in "NATIONAL TREASURE" - the latest movie. Due to my study and projects, i have to decline the offer! SOB>.... -_-"

The famous wrestler (The Rock) is challenging me!

BIG BEN!

London EYE

My Angmoh friend!!! DEREK a.k.a DPE. Thanks for the date LOL. He is a good guy, i am glad that i skipped my last itinery to meet up with him. I owed him alot and special thanks to him. Also, with him, i viewed alot of good places in London. YEAH both our legs were damn aching but i hope we can meet again someday!

NOW PARIS!!!

Disneyland Paris

I don't even know what character it is. I want Donald Duck!!!!

The famous museum in Paris "De Louvre Museum"

The real painting of MONALISA @ De Louvre

Eiffel Tower Yeah!

The last day we had good food @ Planet Hollywood! That's my food and Beer Foster. I love beer!

Yeah.. so these are the brief story of my journey and I miss my babes and the weather!

Almost everyone gain weight and only me, who looks skinnier and well i lost 3 kg. Wow!

Finally i'm back here in Singapore.

Addicted to you

2007-11-12T02:30:00.000+08:00

Updates about me:

* I seldom online. Not pretending to be offline either.
* I slept 9 hours a day for the past few weeks, even though i have projects to rush.
* Yes i am crazy.
* Everybody is going and working like mad except me.
* Everybody is reaching 70%-90% of their projects the day before. And me? 0%.
* I am telling everyone i am suiciding myself.
* Tomorrow is the last day YET i am still dilly-dally. I don't feel like doing it.
* Thanks for buddies that are helping me and concern about my stuffs more than i DO.
* I love you.
* Everyone is wishing me good luck.
* I will not fail!
* I am just not doing great this time.
* I do have a talent and I am better than ever because you believe in me.
because....
you love me.

Addicted to you. :: my next original song. I am gonna complete it in one month-time.
=)

I remember

2007-11-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

My first performance @ esplanade > Singapore Art Cafe didn't go well. I sang "I remember" and i made a mistake by forgetting my own lyrics and what a shame. I know you must be thinking i am too exaggerating this. But i just want something good, simple and perfect.

My first time > singing and playing a guitar in front of the audiences. I get so nervous that i threw up before performing. Hands were cold and a bit of trembling. I don't like it. SIGH!!! And i am planning to compose a new song called "I don't want to remember". It's not a really good experience. I don't wanna think and remember it. I wanna sleep.

I am gonna post the video on Youtube once i have shrunk down the size of the video. Thanks for two lovely ladies who came down and supported me. And YL, for being a good camera-girl.

Do you love me

2007-11-03T18:51:00.000+08:00

I am searching the fire that's burning, that keeps my heart beating

this love is still a mystery

DO you love me? do you love me?

I am asking the honesty of your feeling

why oh why you never say the words i want to hear

baby i guess it's too late, do you love me?

It's too late to say the words, it's too late to tell me your reasons

it's too late to keep me yours, it's too late when i'm gone

Can you hear me, i love you every single day

but now ive got to go away, i don't have a choice to stay

oh do you love me? do you love me?

A new video that i just uploaded in youtube. I made it in 2 hours. Instead of doing my rushing project, i composed this. Do you love me?

2007-10-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

I feeling lousy and i know i have to keep it to myself.
I don't wanna talk much now.
Have a good day tomorrow to all my friends.

2007-10-26T10:38:00.001+08:00

At the moment...
I have nothing much to say.

* Waiting for VISA
* Met Indian Fortune-teller (weird)
* Having gathering soon with 2E girls
* School still sucks but better, need dear dear help in headline. Hahha.

First you say you WON'T
Now you say you WILL

=)

Bad loser?

2007-10-17T00:02:00.000+08:00

I don't think this is good. But i know NOW i really want it. YOU.
Why can't we just give it a try, a shot, a moment for a memory. That's all i ask!

I guess that's it. Why?

You are my only Toufu. And i can't never make it with my mind and heart so imbalance thinking about you. I can't never compose a song, i can't get inspired with a breaking heart. I can't think clearly without you loving me. Hey i really need you like a heart needs a beat!

NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!
NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!NEED YOU LIKE A HEART NEEDS A BEAT!

I am dead.
WHy not just giving a SHOT to my heart to my brain, to my kidney, let me burst explode, hit me till i shake and breakdown. Why? And why not? It feels as great as the thunder strikes me, it feels as cool as a cannibal eats up my intestines, it feels great to be broken i guess. It feels sad but glad that you make it. You win. You won this game my dear. You win everything. Shake me harder, till i bleed. Till i bleed. Did you hear that?

Ok, nothing more to say. YOu know what i mean.
The end of this story is still. I owe you. I lose this game. I am a LOser.
The reason why I am a loser because i love you.

Darn it!

Fire is red but it's turning BLUE! I am afraid it's too late....
Ouueouuuhhhh....
Not apologize. I don't ask for that. But i can't stop let the song ringing in my head. I keep listening to apologize. No i don't need that from your mouth. I am hearing what you say but i just can't make a sound. I am off the ground, flying to cloud No.9, AND NOW....
And now......
And now, i am hitting hard on the ground.
Again.

I need you like a heart needs a beat!

Damn it!

Sorry like an angel Heaven let me think was you!

Fuck it!

I don't want this storyline.

It's crappy. I dont' want this. DOn't want it to end like this. Gimme more. Hurt this soft hearted kind of crappy soul. Break me more. Cause i am feeling good that way. Numb me! Nudge me! Slap me! I am getting out of control. But it's not yours. Not your issue. It's all mine. My trouble is all mine. Getting on my nerves. Blaming on the wrong conversation. Leading me to the path i shouldn't ever walk on. You make me wanna run. You make me wanna lose. You make me wanna hide. You make me wanna cry. You make me wanna smile. You make me wanna fly. You make me wanna stop. You make me wanna try. You make me wanna fight. You make me real loser. You make me real damn dummy person. You make me nothing. You make me somebody. You break me. You kill my inner soul. You damn irritating my eyes in my every seconds. You make me speechless. Damn fucking loser here watching the words as if the world goes upside down. Damn fucking enemy i just can't hurt myself today. Damn hell out of nothing i just wanna be swallowed by a monster. The monster who loves to eat a duck and chicken. They taste nice at first, now they taste like a shit. Fucking animal pee and poo at the side of the road, and you think it is gold. Aren't you tired reading this? Hah! Now you think.. shouldn't I be the one tired of typing this? No.

I can type all the craps in my mind. But i can't make things right once tonight. Blew me up once again. Till i whole again. Irritating. Don't let me get me or i will dig out my heart and roast it and get it served nicely, well done??? Do you like it? It tastes sweet and saltish. I wanna present that to you. No guilt! I don't ask that. I dont' need sympathy. I hate sort of people who is here out of fucking pity me! The door is chained now. Fucking glued with super uhu glue.

Off to airport one day. I wanna fly so faraway. Get myself out of this town and forget the lost soul. I hope i never come back. What a loser. Chicken. Timid. Fucking bad loser. Sounds like that. Runaway and never change. Runaway again till i get tired and run again. Run... Oh. What else to crap?

I just wanna feel something. Ease myself from this loser own creation space of imagination. Loser world. That's what i mean. Didn't get it? Chey. You will never get it. Cause it's not yours. These words are not coming from you. It doesn't matter. What matter most now is, i wanna get a shot for you. I wanna get a shot for myself. I wanna get a shot till i bleed.

Oh i am so afraid. I am afraid of hell. I am afraid of prince of netherworld. I am afraid of everything. Like real!!!! Sigh loud again. Ok. I am ok.

Jeanne: I will be fine
Cancerz: Are you really alright?
Jeanne: I guess so. I have spit out all the troubles away from my heart and mind.
Cancerz: Spit it more if it will make you feel better.
Jeanne: This time i can spit my heart out to show you that it wants to stop beating.
Cancerz: hang on there...
Jeanne: SOrry, i know i can fight it. But i am giving it up.
Cancerz: Don't give up. You will lose more!
Jeanne: Doesn't make a different!
Cancerz: .....
Jeanne: Bye. i go sleep now.
Cancerz: Don't listen to sad songs.
Jeanne: I am listening back to K-one. Ru guo mei you ming tian.
Jeanne: I really look forward for that.
Cancerz: You so negative.
Jeanne: Ahhhhh.. no. no nono. I know what to do now. =)

Excuse the crappy ugly version way of blogging. I am tired. Stress ba...

Tired

2007-10-15T21:45:00.000+08:00

I just want some peace in my heart and mind. Soul? I said to you "Kill me", but why didn't you come and hit me?

I am tired. Tired. Tired... i am really tired.

I wanna take a shot for myself. Sorry i am not the same old jeanne. Sorry i am just not me.

Feel so lousy.

Lousy mood

2007-10-15T18:30:00.000+08:00

I just wanna be alone today.
Hope tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and so forth.
Let things just be on my own.

Take a break.

unhappy mood

Listen -

2007-10-10T13:36:00.000+08:00

A conversation in my head when i listen to it. Talking to myself or it can be YOU.
You know who you are.

Jeanne: (Ring ring) Who’s calling? That’s my babygirl on the phone.
She says she needs some space so she wanna leave me alone.
But I ain’t trippin’ cause she said I ain’t done no wrong. That’s just the way life goes.

We know that big girls don’t cry, but please make me explain.
Let’s sit down work things out, before you’re going your way.
See, I got a lot of things on my mind. Man, I know you are feelin’ the same.
Cause the situation is out of control.

J: I hope you know, I hope you know. That this has nothing to do with you.

Jeanne: I’m feelin’ blue, let’s work things out. Cause I don’t know what to do

J: And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket. But I’ve got to get a move on with my life.

Jeanne: That’s just the way it has to go.

J: And big girls don’t cry. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

J: The smell of your skin lingers on me now. You’re probably on your flight back to your hometown. I need some shelter of my own protection baby. To be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity.

J: I hope you know, I hope you know. That this has nothing to do with you.
Jeanne: I’m feelin’ blue, let’s work things out. Cause I don’t know what to do.
J: And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket. But I’ve got to get a move on with my life.
Jeanne: That’s just the way it has to go.
J: And big girls don’t cry.
Jeanne: So what should I do? I’m missing you. And I feel so down. Now that you’re gone I can’t go on. This must be the end.

Apologize

2007-10-10T01:24:00.001+08:00

Thanks for the song "Apologize"

That's cool nice and Greatttt!
I have been listening to it like hundred times just in two days.

How can a loser ever win?

2007-10-07T01:23:00.000+08:00

I can still feel the breeze

That rustles through the trees

And misty memories of days gone by

We could never see tomorrow

No one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

How can you mend this broken man?

How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart

And let me live again

Nobody's fault. I can't never hate you. Perhaps i really love you that much.

It may be the best. End it now or never.

Time heals.........................................................................................................

-----------------------------------------------------------

2007-10-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

I lost my words...

I lost my love...

I lost my world...

I lost my moment...

I lost my lover...

I lost my fast-heartbeat...

I lost my control...

I lost my song...

I lost my chapter...

I think i am gonna kiss the rain tomorrow...

2007-10-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

不能说的秘密

blast the music loud.
that's all i wanna hear.
not you not them.
no secret to reveal.

It most suited my mood now...

2007-10-03T02:34:00.000+08:00

This song in the way most suited my feeling.
You know who you are...

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, its never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems

I know I felt like this before
But now Im feeling it even more
Because it came from you

Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
Theyll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do

Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so dont hurt me
For what I couldnt find

Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
Youre everything to me

Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, its never quite as it seems
cause youre a dream to me
Dream to me

Great Vocal

2007-10-03T00:12:00.000+08:00

This is Syltra. One of the best potential singer and musician which i came across from songs writing competition. She is climbing high, she sings (every friday night??) at Singapore Art Cafe @ esplanade, @ Singapore by the river, chinatown, and she won the TAMPINESS idol 2007 too. Lols..

She has an incredible voice. Wonderful. And it will be great if can collaborate with her. Lols..

2007-10-02T02:43:00.000+08:00

My friend, Simon is so supportive. He even interviewed me LOL :

http://simontay.blogspot.com/2007/10/my-friend-got-2-new-original-songs-just.html

2007-10-01T11:27:00.000+08:00

i lose 1 Kg.

i......
i don't know what to do
--- scared to hurt you in the end
should we stop
should we continue
do you really love me?

Fatal Attraction

2007-09-30T15:28:00.000+08:00

Fatal Attraction.

Beautiful Mistake.

Can't get enough of you.

This moment is you....

Irresistable.

Completely helpless...

===============================================
I am hungry...

Let it be

2007-09-29T02:20:00.000+08:00

Yes, i let a chance to collaborate with Chris slipped away.
Maybe This is wrong.
Maybe forever, i will never find someone who interested in my songs anymore.
Maybe i will regret it.
Maybe...
or it could be worse!

Well.. let it be.. let it be...

He is Angry...

2007-09-29T01:54:00.000+08:00

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
hi!

:: jeanne ::
hi chris....

:: jeanne ::
i have talked to the publisher..

:: jeanne ::
since i have assigned all the songs and signed the contract, there's no possibilities to back out or take the song out

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
nice

:: jeanne ::
but do you wanna talk to the publisher and see whether you can reach any agreement?

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
jeanne...I was happy to sing one of your song...I asked to Ryan to play the piano and he wasted time for do it. I'm sure I don't like also to pay for sing on a song 'cause I'm a composer too...

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
the only thing that I don't understand...is why you haven't said me or think about it. I talked with u about this many times and u knew that Ryan worked on the song...

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
now i think he could be a bit angry with me and will be hard for me if he stop the collaboration for my album for a thing like this

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
But i can understand it 'cause he wasted time and studio time for recording some that now will be trashed...

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
are u still here?

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
Jeanne

:: jeanne ::
i ll brb..

:: jeanne ::
it was too sudden that someone approached me and it was a good opportunity to me, and i grabbed it because i didn't want to lose any chance.

:: jeanne ::
and it was about 4 days ago all the agreement is made

:: jeanne ::
and by that time, it was really too late to stop everything..

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
yes but was also kind to tell us

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
or remember about this and take the song out before

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
and now tell me that I need to talk with a publisher...please...I don't like to pay for make a duet with someone...I haven't said to someone to talk with my manager 'cause I prefer to talk directly with people...and I worked with guys from Malmsteen or Dio...and I NEVER talked with their managers

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
of course I wish you all the best for your carieer...

:: jeanne ::
this is not what i wish to happen too .. i have no other choice to do any decision anymore, the contract is signed and i did asked the publisher if he could let me take the song out, but it's not possible..

:: jeanne ::
and i can't change this at all though i tried

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
yes...but u can do it before sign....but anyway no problem...I hope only Ryan will not fire me for this...and he will not think that I'm not professional

Chris "Just Chris!!" says:
like i said...i wish you good luck. Take care.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't reply him anymore. Cause i try hard not to be gullible, and i think i made the right decision, i should not be doing anything wrong this time. Please ensure me.
He is pissed off with me. That's the end of our friendship.

He made me so confused last two days, i wanted my song to get acknowledge, appeared in a cover (or duet with him???) and Get HEARD by the world. I was so doubt, and at the same time i didn't want to have him to get all the profit from my song, and i gain NOTHING.

Why did i say sorry to him? Three times... I am stupid!

My buddy is nice and this is what she said, "Jean, don't be so GULLIBLE!"
And since then, i know i am alone.

From tonight onwards, it won't be that cold anymore. When you're on your knees, i will be on my knees together with you.

No room for love

2007-09-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

Today...
Tonight...

There is no room for love.
I shut it up.

====================================================

I love your support

2007-09-26T16:15:00.001+08:00

Desy messaged me in Friendster and she said that i am incredible.
How sweet is that. She has just listened to my music, and she never had the chance to hear me singing for the past 4 years. My songs. I was once wanted to write and sing for her too because she is special. I tried but i failed.

She encourages me (like she always does) to pursue music after graduating from design department. I wish to go over to US too, but i told her that i have no money. She said her UNI has music course where i can attend to if i decide to be more independent and wanna come over there. It sounds great to be in the same UNI with her, maybe i can improve my pronounciation and accents too if i stay there. haha.. I love her.

2007-09-26T01:58:00.000+08:00

I don't tolerate people who make stupid jokes on other religions.

I don't wait for the coming of Christ.

Way of getting people to become like you should be clean and without cheating.

:X

I am just a human

2007-09-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

Dear dear dear..

My love is so unfair i know.

But i promise you at least there will be 1 to 2 times meeting in a month. What about that?
No matter how busy we are. Deal.

I am pesimist and aggresive at the same time. Sometimes i will expect you to take the innitiative, sometimes let me just do that for you. It involves two parties to make "it" works, do you know? I still need you like i always do. A buddy i have now, is not you. But you should know you always are.

Argh! i got another project which is to do a video-clip for my video. Whahaha. i will have a video clip??? for my song.?? WoW. but cheapskate one lah! I need somebody's help indeed. Momma, don't blame your daughter for ignoring study for the sake of what she likes to do. I know it's absolutely wrong. But mom, i hardly can stop myself. and i am sorry to neglect my obligations. I shouldn't. I shouldn't i shouldn't i shouldn't.....

Back to school life.
Tutorial assessment falls on this friday. And well, i am not scared. I think i have really prepared for the worst, though it's not right. I no longer cry in the middle of the night for no reason. I no longer hate myself with all the pressures. I am bad. Real bad me that i should give a limit to do my work now.!!!!

I need someone who can help me to do video clip within two weeks time =(

SteaL and RuNnnn!

2007-09-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

don't kill me softly.

just shoot.

don't talk softly.

just shout.

don't walk softly.

just run.

don't hold my hand softly.

just take.

don't touch my heart softly.

just steaL!!!!!

explode me.

2007-09-25T00:46:00.000+08:00

from RIPE to RIP !

R.I.P = Rest in Peace

After a week or more feeling so hip and jovial? Now i back to normal and abit lousy.
No more energy. I am broke and Onion asked me to go for dinner tomorrow. Suddenly i feel bored and i don't know why.
Onion = Daryl. They both alike in some characteristics. And Me = Jeanne, always cool and kind in a second and bored like hell with the other party in another second. Forgive my bad!This includes everyone. no exception.

I listen to the same song on and on.
Invisible by chester.

Argrghahahghahgah!!!!!
wrong wrong for me to say.....
bubububububububbuubbububububububububbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuualk;jdfaoiejofwieua iruwpu8r2ujkfjklasmv;akm;klj[w0950=a40jgowm43klajw0ugj vkaokwemroia0wi[959i59vmi9i495943a0[3iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiy99999999999999999999999999999999999999asdof[ipaod8-9f8w9eimfiapkofokaid0fia9if0[magiai[mm9is0fia-9smf9iakoopkbp[apogi-a0w890892090401923i41oi4ok13[ko4opk3okvl;,.bmxncvnxckjhasjkdfkalsre';prowe[to=reto[rpkgl;dkfglksdfkdoskfosdkf;lkathe other side run back again

crappy mood :: please leave.

Beautiful Mistake

2007-09-24T01:11:00.000+08:00

Like what she said...

It's a really thin-line.

I do not know where to stand, my love is unfair.

Beautiful Mistake is about forbidden love which is a mistake but it's beautiful...
Even if it's not a mistake,
To carry it on... is wrong but it's beautiful.
That is why the title is called "beautiful mistake".

I love the title most. That's it. The song is pathetic hahaha. Too sad...

I wanna record one chinese song that still on request. And another english for Rinn. Lol. What a challenge to compose a crazy song. It may take a really long time to get an inspiration. Wait long long hor...

BrOKe!

2007-09-23T14:59:00.000+08:00

Boring?
Yes, boring.

RIPE

2007-09-22T00:16:00.000+08:00

Wuihh. Updates!

I went out to have dinner today with Leo. His treat on Jap food. wahah.. so good of him. But the food was not filling at all. wahhahaa..

I went to swimming alone yesterday, and i am red! But i like it. haha. I feel fit and great.

I wanna go there again when i get new swimming outfit.

I can't wait for UK trip.

I need money guys... Some of my classmates are going to Armsterdam then Paris, we can't tag along, because their budget about 8K per person!!! Nabeh!!! Where the hell can i fork out that! 5K to UK only already gimme so much headache!!!! And i feel so bad to have to ask my mother to buy Sing dollar. I wanna earn money mom. I can't wait to let go of this student pass. I can't wait to be one of my friends who have income. I can't wait to be so called-working adults/professional. I can't wait to go out there and GROW! I can't wait for new things to come to me!! i can't wait!! and I am damn so ready for outside world. RIPE!!!

Suddenly my buddy wanna back out from Paris trip, she will be hated so much if she does that. And i said i wanna back out too! I feel excited if it really happen. Suddenly i feel doubt and wanna go home. I am scared i don't have return ticket to singapore, and also hard to get ticket to go back medan. Aizz.. i dont' wanna stuck in singapore. Of course i do will miss my friends alot, i will stay awhile at lavender after Paris, then after a week, i ll leave Singapore again to home! haha. Spend more time with me.. Our time for meeting getting lesser and i m heading to alot of places for month. Will ya miss me? Hopefully nothing will change. Cause i really hate changes!!!

I love ya !

jeanne